Consumer Alert: Anyone Wearing This Shirt Is A Douche-bag

NORTH UMFORD (DWN)

In a surprising press release today the Institute for Consumer Safety (North Umford's Largest Employer) announced that "Anyone wearing an 'I am McLovin' T-Shirt' is in fact a douche." 

"I know this will be met with surprise in some quarters," admitted Institute Director Kevin Smiley, "But we came to the conclusion that everyone we ever saw wearing one of these t-shirts was an asshole and there was no way to get around that. We just thought putting this out on the wire would be the best way to get the news to the people. That way they can choose to be a douche-bag or not. We just try to keep people informed."

Paisley T-Shirt Co. ,the makers of the shirt in question, countered with a statement of their own. "Taste-makers will always be punished. If people without the good taste and ironic sense to appreciate that a shirt alludes to a movie want to belittle people who do posses those traits then there's nothing we can do about that." 

Paisley went on to say that they planned to role out a new fall line featuring shirts with quotes from such movies as There Will Be Blood, No Country For Old Men, First Sunday and Superhero Movie. 

"We're thinking of going with a milkshake joke for the There Will Be Blood Shirt," said Mario Smit, the head of Research and Development for Paisley T-Shirt Co. "It will be funny because they mention milkshakes at this one part of the movie and its really quite funny." 

Davis was unaware of anyone else picking up on the humorous mention of milkshakes and expected the upcoming shirt to take the world by storm with its fresh and innovative humor. 

So how do owners of McLovin t-shirts feel?

A man wishing only to be identified as "The Chill" owns several Paisley shirts including the McLovin shirt. His other favorite shirts are a T-shirt which looks like a tuxedo and one with an arrow that points downward toward his genitalia and says "Weapon of Mass Destruction." Mr. The Chill says that he feels hurt by accusations that he is a douche. "I always knew people were jealous of me but wow, to this degree? It really took me by surprise but I guess its true what they say people will always hate you if you're really cool and awesome."

"Up Is Down" Proclaims Ministry of Truth

LONDON, Oceania (DWN)

In breaking news the Ministry of Truth has announced that contrary to popular belief Up is actually Down. 

"We all have a little adjusting to do," admitted Marco Orvel, Chairman of the Ministry of Truth, "People have been living a lie for years and it may take a little while to get used to the new world we find ourselves in. A Brave New World one might say if one wished to coin a phrase." said Mr. Orvel before maniacally cackling to himself for a moment.

Early public response to the groundbreaking story was somewhat limited. Local Prole Eugene Smith in fact didn't have any reaction. "I thought up was already down," Smith said, "But it's good that the media has cleared that up to avoid confusion. Down with Eastasia."

Chairman Orvel said that this discovery was the result of decades of research and massive government funding. "Originally we came to the conclusion that Up was Up which didn't make any sense at all," said Orvel, "But we went back to work with a completely new staff, the old ones were traitors you see, and we were finally, by the grace of Big Brother, able to achieve our goals. Up is Down. Up has always been down."

Orvel said the largest changes resulting from the new developments would be in the various slogans used in support of the government. "We'll have to correct each other for a while I imagine," said the Chairman, "But instead of saying 'down with Eastasia' we simply must remind one another that it is 'Up with Eastasia' that's just the way things must be said from now on." 

Orvel closed the conference by saying that Food Production had increased for the 15th consecutive quarter, Boot production was at an all-time high, Oceania had always been at war with Eastasia, Good is bad and Dane Cook is very funny.

Album Did Not Live Up To Cover

JABBERSVILLE (DWN)

Local Resident Arthur "Art" Davis expressed outrage after listening to Prodigy's The Fat of the Land. "I don't know what I was expecting but it didn't deliver," said Davis, 33, "I saw the crab on the front of the album and I was all ready from some bad-ass electronic music but when I started listening I mean the music was pretty intense but in no way did it live up to that crab." Davis a self proclaimed "music idiot" who admits to never buying any music produced after the 1890's was lured into purchasing the album purely on the strength of its cover. 

The album cover in question features a crab rising out of the water with its pincers raised in an aggressive manner. "When I saw that at the store I just had to buy it," said Davis showing his age by admitting to still purchasing music legally at a store. "I mean I'd heard a little about them and I thought that a team-up of that group and that cover couldn't go wrong." Davis however was left "unimpressed" by the big beat electronica on the disc. "Music like that shouldn't have that bad-ass of a crab on the cover."

At a Local Best Buy on Tuesday however Davis was in the minority with most people stating that the album did live up to the crab. Chester Harper was patronizing the store at the same time as Mr. Davis and felt that the music was even more "bad ass" then the crab would suggest. 

"I was blown away by how bad ass the music was," Harper said, "I mean that crab was cool but have you listened to "Smack My Bitch Up Lately"?"

Davis feels that there is much to be learned from his ordeal. "I would advice people to actually listen to the music before buying it instead of just judging it by the cover. You can't judge an album by its cover thats how the saying goes right?"

Davis next plans to purchase Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here because of the "bad-ass Flaming Guy on the cover."

"March Madness" Descends

ATLANTA (DWN)

March Madness may not be so funny any more. Recent reports from the Centers for Disease Control indicate that a strain of Mad Cow Disease known as "The March Madness" has crossed over to humans and begun driving entire cities insane. Damage has been especially heavy in regions where basketball is popular as announcements regarding meat safety are often disregarded because of the ongoing NCAA Basketball Tournament. 

"Its a real problem," noted Centers for Disease Control spokesperson Marlo Jenkins, "You try to educate people and all they want to talk about is their NCAA tournament brackets. We've lost a lot of good people that way." Jenkins went on to say that despite the confusion created by the name of the new disease strain there would not be a name change in order. "We've already labeled all our vials and beakers and such with 'March Madness'. If we start to change that up our operating costs for this year skyrocket." 

In lieu of name change the CDC has proposed a $3 million dollar ad campaign to air during NCAA Tournament Basketball games. The ads will focus on the difference between March Madness and "The March Madness". A SportsCenter tie in and a PSA to run during "Cold Pizza" are also distinct possibilities. "We're going to battle the March Madness on all fronts," said Mr. Jenkins. 

Jenkins finished by noting that perhaps the NCAA tournament should change its informal nickname because "there hasn't been that much madness this year. Bob ,the guy who picks all 1 seeds, is still winning the office pool."

Man With No Name Just Forgetful

ROME, Italy (DWN)

In breaking news the "Man With No Name" star of such films as A Fistful of Dollars and The Good, the Bad and the Ugly actually has a name but is unable to remember it. News broke at the press conference for Mr. No Name's new film The Good, The Bad, The Ugly and a Baby. The new film loosely based on the 1987 classic 3 Men and A Baby  picks up where Mr. No Name's  previous film left off. 

After securing the $200,000 of Confederate Gold the "Man With No Name" finds a baby at the local saloon. According to Mr. No Name hilarity ensues throughout the rest of the film. The film has screened well at several festivals despite its R rating for "explicit baby violence."

When pressed on the issue of his name Mr. No Name said that in fact he had gotten along without a name for so long that he might just keep it that way.